I am watching the Super Bowl, yes. Nick and I are stoked to see The Who play the Half Time show. My favorite team is the PITTSBURGH STEELERS! They won last year, woo! I don't make a big deal about any sport, but I definitely like to see my team play and win. :)

I would live and let live, but that doesn't mean I agree with what they're doing at all. If someone is willing to cheat once, they're willing to cheat again, period. I could never take back a cheater and I would hope my friends have enough sense to do the same.

[X] I am shorter than 5'4".
[X] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[X] have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[X] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[X] I have a tattoo.
[X] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[X] I had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[X] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[X] I have more than 2 piercings.
[X] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[X] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[X] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[X] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[?] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[X] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[X] I've snorted while laughing.
[X] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[X] I've glued my hand to something
[X] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[X] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I'm single.
[X] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[X] I miss someone right now.
[X] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[X] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[X] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[X] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[X] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[X] I've hugged a stranger.
[X] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[X] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[X] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[X] I've snuck out of my house.
[X] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[X] I've cheated while playing a game.
[X] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[X] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[X] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ ] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[X] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I *have* anorexic or bulimic *tendencies* or have EDNOS*tendencies*.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[X] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[ ] I've woken up crying.

Tennessee is one of Nick's top choices for grad school. I can't go there unless Obama's healthcare proposal passes. Nick said he doesn't want to lose me, but what if he gets a good job out there? Or loves it and wants to stay there? I just don't think he's factoring me in to his decisions; he is just hoping it will all work out. I absolutely do not want him missing out on an opportunity because of me; I want him to do whatever it takes to make his dreams come true. I guess if we're not meant to be together, then we won't be, but I'd love to think he's the one. He has my heart, I don't want him to give it back. I want to talk to him about this stuff, but he never seems to want to. I think he is afraid I will get upset. He's probably right.

Time kills all things...

Edit: If I stayed here until he graduated and he got a good job with benefits, it would work IF we got married. He doesn't want to get married for a long time... and neither of us want to get married for insurance reasons, even though it is something to consider.

I can't stand guys who take advantage of vulnerable girls. I was "lucky" enough to be hurt and taken advantage of by two.
Assholes.

My brother accidentally broke a decorative hanging light in our backyard over the weekend. He and my mom cleaned up all (or so they thought) of the glass. Nick and I were on the trampoline with my brother today and we were barefoot! We were going inside when I felt this sharp pain on the bottom of my foot. I lifted my foot up and there was a piece of glass shoved into my foot about a quarter inch. I pulled it out immediately (that's what she said haha). It hurt like hell! I sat down on the deck, not looking at my foot because I was scared to see it. Nick ran and got some paper towels to put pressure on it. He came back out and was like, "Oh my God, this is bad." I started crying because I was so scared. He put the paper towel on my foot and got another one to clean up the blood on the deck. Almost the entire paper towel was covered in blood. It was bleeding like CRAZY. I asked him if I needed stitches, he said he couldn't tell because it was bleeding so much. My brother and his friend came up on the deck and I asked my brother to go get my dad. My dad came out a few minutes later and had Nick help me hobble over to a chair. The bleeding had slowed down so my dad said I probably didn't need stitches because if I did, it wouldn't stop bleeding. I was SO relieved. Then my dog tried to lick the blood off the deck. EW!!! Anyways, I have a big bandaid on it now and it really doesn't look that bad. It just hurts to walk on. Thank God I sit at my job haha.

I finally got paid!! Not a lot, because the paycheck is from when I was in Cancun. However, I get another paycheck on Friday so I should be good with money then. I am trying to save about 25-50% of what I make every month. I figure if I do that, I will have plenty saved to move out when I graduate college. I'd like to move out before then, but if I just end up moving out of state, I don't really see the point. Plus, this way I will have more saved up. My family is cool so I don't mind living here.

Nick's brother and sister-in-law get here tomorrow! It is going to be so fun. I think we're going to Black Hawk, and maybe Elitch's or Water World. Yay! The 4th is going to be awesome. I don't know exactly what we're doing, but it will be great.

I wanted to go to Florida at the end of July, but I don't think it's going to work out. Bummer. Oh well. I need to save my money, not blow it.

I am catsitting for a week at the end of July. I will probably make about $75 doing that, which will go directly to my savings. I should make over $1000 the rest of the summer and I really want to save a good portion of that.

Life wouldn't be as good as it is without Nick. He is so wonderful. I think I could marry him. Not for a long time, like 2-3 years at least, but I definitely think we have that potential. It's so exciting to find someone you love so much! He rocks my world haha!

Two more hours until I'm off work.
Band practice tonight.
Our album is almost done!!

I saw Robert Cray last night with Nick and his family. SO fun.

I miss Mexico.

I am nervous about the future.

I never knew I could fall so hard for someone.
It is amazing, but scary for some reason.

Because of him, I know I will work things out and be OK.
He has shown me nothing but unconditional love and I feel like maybe I'm actually worth something.

I went out with Nick and some friends on Saturday night. It was awesome.

I debate the "God issue" in my head every day.
I wonder if I'll ever figure it out.

I miss Molly.

I hope I can make enough money pretty soon.

I am BROKE until Wednesday.
Crazy broke. It sucks.
I haven't gotten a paycheck in a month.
Stupid Bill Ritter.

Okay, I'll shut up now.

Back to work.

I have the best boyfriend in the whole world. How did I get so lucky? :)

I just looked at my old livejournal. I was sooo different and so LAME! Ugh thank GOD I am not that person anymore. Ai yi yi!!!

Excuse me, but asking me to "keep an open mind" about being with you again, when you can PLAINLY see that I am more than happy with someone else, is rude. I understand you were going away and wanted to clear your plate and not have any secrets, but how could I even begin to "keep an open mind" when I think I may have found the one?

You want me to not rule out the possibility of "us" again because you have feelings for me? How incredibly selfish. If you really loved me, you would want me to be happy. Nick makes me happier than any boy ever has and if he's not it for me, then I have royally screwed up because he is the best match for me of anyone I've ever been with. He makes me feel like a million bucks even when I feel like giving up. He loves me for me and treats me like a princess. And you want me to not dismiss the possibility of "you and me" because you are in love with me... that's really selfish and rude.

Nick and I are insanely happy and I could see us going all the way. So next time you decide to ask me to not dismiss it, maybe think about my situation for two seconds and then see if it's really a good idea to ask me that.

Sheesh! Some people!

I'm really worried that I am just going to be a big failure. I have gotten in WAY over my head and it's going to take years to get out of this. How am I supposed to finish school, move out, get married???

I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Gosh, I was such an idiot.

I hate endings (unless it's school ending haha) and I usually don't like change either. Last week, I had to face two pretty big endings: getting home from Cancun, and letting go of my dog Molly, who passed away while I was on vacation.

I had such an amazing time in Mexico, I just started crying when we got in the van to go to the airport. I just can't believe it went by so fast. It seemed to take forever to finally be May 31, but then all of the sudden, it was June 8 and we were headed back to Denver. Why does time have to fly when you're having fun? Why can't it slow down so that you can enjoy every second and not waste a moment? The phenomenon of time is amazing to me. When you are depressed or sad, time slows down to a halt, but when you are happy, it flies by you, giving you barely enough time to grasp the good times. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I know this next year will fly by, too though and pretty soon I'll be in Cancun again. I know Nick and I will still be together so I'm sure I will go next year, too.

Molly was 11 1/2 when she died. Her and I have the same birthday; I always thought that was cool. She was SUCH a good dog. She loved to be around people and all she wanted to do was make you happy. She was so sweet. I was really looking forward to taking her on walks and taking her to the park this summer. It just sucks that I don't have her company anymore. She used to always sleep in my bed and now I have to sleep alone; it's been really hard this past week. I feel guilty for not being here when she died. It was such horrible news to come home to. :( I know she is in a better place now, so as long as I get my act together and can get into Heaven, I am counting on seeing her again. Her and Sally, my other doggie who passed away two years ago. I just love having a dog as a best friend, and I don't have that now. It's just been really hard.

<-- Nick and I in Cancun!! Isn't the ocean amazing??

<-- Molly and I RIP baby girl!!!

I wish I could tell the world how in love I am with my boyfriend, Nick. I love him so much and there is no way I could ever show him how much he means to me. He lets me know that I will be OK. He sees something in me, he believes in me, amidst all the wreckage that comes with me, he sees... me. He looks past all the mistakes, all the regrets, and he just loves me. He treats me like a princess, he never gets angry at me, even when I am a jerk to him. He accepts me and encourages me to embrace who I am and be positive. He has inspired me in so many ways, most importantly in my music, my dreams, and just my life in general.

Every girl deserves a guy like Nick. A guy who will bring her flowers just because. A guy who will hold her and tell her that he loves her as often as he can think to. A guy who will hold her hand in public so everyone knows that he is hers. A guy who will sing to her and write songs for her. A guy who will never call her names, no matter how upset they are at each other. A guy who will be faithful and be happy just to be hers. A guy who will accept her, inside and out, and never expect her to change for him or anyone else. A guy who will treat her like the princess she is.

I am truly blessed to have Nick in my life. I have never loved someone like this before. He makes me feel like I might have something to offer the world. He makes me feel like I deserve to be loved and to be happy. He gives me butterflies every time I see him. He is truly amazing.

May every girl find her prince, because every girl is a princess!

Life is so weird. A month ago, I hated myself and I regretted sooo many things that have led me to where I am (which is not a horrible place, but not a very secure place either). Today, I could beat myself up and kick myself for those things, but I choose to let them go. I'm really blessed to have such an awesome family (minus one member who shall not be named) and a great support system. Nick is amazing and I don't know what I would do without him, life would SUCK without him :( Anyways, I guess all I'm trying to say is I'm really lucky and blessed and fortunate and blah blah blah... but life can't be perfect so I'll stop complaining and try to start living.

Next... I am going to Cancun a week from tomorrow!! I have never left the states (so sheltered, I know) so I am super excited. And I get to be on the BEACH in the SUN for eight long days. It will be wonderful. And Nick and I will celebrate our 6-month anniversary on June 3, while we are in Mexico. So perfect. I haven't been this excited for something since the traveling-all-around-the-country-to-see-Fair to Midland-days, which sad to say, are no longer going to happen. I love road trips and I love traveling to see my all-time favorite band, but alas, I have absolutely NO money. Zilch. In fact, I have negative money. o_O Yeah, it sucks.

I hardly get any hours at work, but I THINK I am switching departments so I will start getting more hours (not many more, but I'll take anything). I just need to make enough money for gas, credit card bills (which isn't much, thank goodness), and food here and there. My parents spoil me and pay for just about everything else. They rock.

Well I don't think anything else is worth writing about. Oh wait. Maybe there is...

I have been trying (not hard enough, but trying nonetheless) to find my faith in God again. I just feel like He is... calling me, speaking to me (??) and I know if I ignore that, I won't be happy in the long run. It's just REALLY freaking hard to give up the things you love most. It's all about surrender and sacrifice. A lot of people won't give things up for a better purpose. That includes me a lot of the time. I've been confused about the band, about the music I listen to, the movies I watch... a lot of simple things (besides the band dilemma) that don't seem to matter in the long run, but I guess they do??? Sigh. I don't know if I'll ever get it right. I want to live by my convictions, but I don't want to give up things I love. What to do??? A pastor would say pray about it. I guess that's what I should do. It's just hard to face I guess.

I'm done, peace~

I only got this thing so I could read about and comment on Jen's life in Japan. Maybe I'll make a journal out of it...maybe